There will be no sugar coating it… Postpartum is the time immediately after giving birth all the way through the first 6 weeks of your baby’s life. Every mom has a different postpartum experience, but I am going to tell you how it was for me. There will be no sugar coating it either. This is as real as it gets.

In this post I’m going to tell you how postpartum was for me. Starting with the time immediately after giving birth, bringing her home, the things that surprised me, the things that helped me get through it, and everything in between. If you expect this post to be roses and rainbows you are sadly mistaken. This is the real raw truth about what happens to women’s bodies when they deliver babies. I do understand that every mama has different postpartum experiences and I hope me sharing mine helps you in someway or simply provides you with some entertainment.

AT THE HOSPITAL

Honestly right after birth, the Epidural was still so strong I couldn’t feel my legs or feet at all to even lift my legs up on my own. Thank God though and what an experience that was! I had to be wheeled to the next room on a few levels up that we stayed in for the remainder of our stay at the hospital. The Epidural wore off roughly two hours after birth. I do remember when the feeling of my lower extremities came back thinking, “I want to be numb again. LOL.” It was fine though and the only pain I felt was from my vagina. I would move a certain way or sit weird and get shooting pain from the vaginal tear. I do remember peeing and pooping for the first time and using a peri bottle which was life saving. It made the first pee and poop so much more comfortable. If you don’t use a peri bottle and you have torn, you will feel it and it will burn. I did not use the peri bottle one time and I decided I would never do that again until I was fully healed. I did it merely because I had to pee so bad and I did not have time to fill the bottle and let the water get to the perfect warm temperature to provide relief. The hospital did provide me with a bottle that worked well – most people say the ones provided by the hospital are hard to use but I did not find that to be true for me. I am glad I purchased the Frida Mom peri bottle as I used it every single day to ensure everything was kept clean. Why is this peri bottle such a big deal you ask? Well, after you deliver a baby you may tear and if you tear you will have sutures and the sutures will dissolve. You are told not to wipe until the sutures fully dissolve which can sometimes take up to 6 weeks. The peri bottle is absolutely essential because you want to make sure you are cleaning your lady parts well, so you don’t get a urinary tract infection (UTI). If you have ever had a UTI, you will do everything in your power to take care of your lady parts the best you can so you don’t get a UTI. It is painful and requires antibiotics to cure.

I was so blinded by relief and excitement of having our healthy little babe I could not feel pain for the first two days following birth. I finally felt pain two days after Nevaeh was born. I only noticed the pain when I would sit or move a certain way and when I would get and out of the tub. I was moving like a grandma – very slow and cautious. The only time I sprung out of bed or moved swiftly as if I had no pain at all was when Nevaeh would cry while she was in the clear hospital bassinet. I took multiple baths with Epsom salts to help with healing. I needed Josh’s help with getting out of the bath. I needed him to dry me and help me get dressed in the hospital gown. I remember looking at him and thanking him. I said, “I do not know how I could do this without you, thank you I love you.”

After you have your baby, you still look somewhat pregnant. Your skin will be wrinkly, discolored, and jello like. This for me was not that shocking as I had recently seen a post about the postpartum body on Instagram and knew I would not instantly snap back to my tight little body. This was the least of my concerns in the hospital. I did not care how I looked at all. I did not want to take any photos or have a photographer (so unlike me), but I forced myself to take a couple photos anyways because I knew I would regret it if I did not take them. Josh said, “It has been a whole 2 days, you need to let people know we had her…” Before I had her, I said I would never post any pictures of me or the baby in the hospital. I wanted to get her all cute for the first photo I would post of her on social media, but in the moment I really did not care at all. I said whatever and posted the first photo we took of her. She was just a chubby little chunk! I was so thankful for COVID-19 because it made it so no visitors were allowed at the hospital. I do not know how mama’s do that – have people immediately after giving birth. That would have overwhelmed me so much having people visit in the hospital. That is just not for me, so thank you COVID-19…

AT HOME

Unfortunately I did not get to bring my sweet baby home to our new house. That happened one day after Nevaeh was brought home to the in laws. This was certainly not what I envisioned… I envisioned bringing our baby home to our brand new house as our closing date was supposed to be November 27th, 2020. We did not close on our house because the builder needed to fix some things per our request and they were not finished with a few things. We brought Nevaeh to her home the next day. It is what it is. I am happy she gets to grow up in a brand new beautiful home! I still did not want to take many photos with me in them because I was struggling with my confidence and feeling beautiful. I was forced to at Holiday gatherings… I also bounced out of that pretty quickly and am back to taking photos and feeling like myself in them. If you know me, this was so unlike me to not want to take photos. That is how I was throughout the majority of my pregnancy too. No photos please.

I was feeling the pain now and in more places than just my vagina. I was feeling pain in my butt every time I went poop. I remember sitting on the toilet crying from the pain. What is the pain I am talking about? Yes, you guessed it. I am talking about hemorrhoids. Apparently when you give birth naturally you can get hemorrhoids. They can last up to a year sometimes, mine have came and went thank God. I would dread going to the bathroom when I knew I had to relieve myself, but dulcolax came to my rescue when I really needed it. I was taking stool softeners two times a day to help ease the pain. I was still taking baths with Epsom salts. I would hand Josh the baby and say, “I need a bath, bye.” The baths were so relieving and I was honestly afraid to shower. I did not take a shower for a whole week. When I took my first shower I remember looking down and seeing the suture dangling and almost gagged because I was sickened by the sight. I heard a voice say, “Kiana whatever you do don’t pull the suture…” What did I do? I pulled it. It caused a little pain and I decided I would leave it alone. I am glad I did because the suture was still not fully dissolved at my 5 week Post Birth Check.

THINGS THAT SURPRISED ME

Body

Because I was so focused on Nevaeh in the hospital, my body was the least of my concerns. I did not feel “surprised” more-so I was trying to accept this new body for what it was. I was also trying to cope with the pain and probably brought more pain on myself by being busy and moving into my house and rarely sitting down. It was fine though and the physical pain only lasted one and a half weeks after birth. I felt completely fine after one and a half weeks physically as if I never had a child. It was wonderful. I was taking Tylenol religiously around the clock for one week and stopped taking it after the first week because of how great I felt. I was extremely grateful for how I felt in those first two weeks. I had my postpartum check with my doctor at five weeks instead of six weeks because we were going out of town. At that appointment my OBGYN performed a physical and checked how I was healing. She said, “You heal really well. Your cervix and uterus are completely back to normal.” I just smiled and was thanking God for my health and for my body doing exactly what it was supposed to. I did feel mild pain in the weeks that followed every now and then, but nothing excruciating enough to take Tylenol Extra Strength. I also asked my OBGYN when I could expect my menstruation cycle back, and she said since I was breastfeeding that would prolong it even more so it would be a few more months. I was thrilled about that until I got my period 3 days after my doctors appointment. Needless to say that thrill was very short lived. I knew it was back before making a weekly Target run and had my preferred method of flow blocker in, a tampon. I was walking in Target and then all of a sudden I started walking really slowly from immense pain. I had to call my OBGYN and speak to a nurse because I thought something was wrong. It was so different than normal and I wanted to know if something really was wrong. After speaking with the nurse, I was informed that my menstruation cycle would only be worse after I had a child. It will also be a more painful labor for the next children if we decide to have more. I was like well that sucks. All I could think was it sucked to be me at that moment. I guess that just comes with being a woman. The things we have to go through…

Nobody talks about the way your uterus feels after the baby is actually out. The uterus is an incredible organ – the home of our babies. To put it in perspective for you, the uterus is about the size of a pear pre pregnancy and stretches all the way to be the size of a watermelon in the ninth month of pregnancy. After birth, it usually takes about six weeks for the uterus to return back to normal size. When breastfeeding Nevaeh I still felt my uterus shrinking back down to its normal size and position. How did this feel? It felt like having labor contractions all over again. The contractions were worse in the first week postpartum. I stopped feeling the contractions when she was eating after about two weeks. I was so happy that finally stopped because it was slightly uncomfortable. Another thing that can happen after having a vaginal birth is hemorrhoids. I never experienced hemorrhoids prior to having Nevaeh and I am so thankful because ow. I had to take stool softeners to help with the pain. Ducolax was my saving grace.

I had no idea how much my boobs would change. I knew they would eventually fill up with milk. I remember waking up the day after we had been home, so Nevaeh was 3 days old and I was in so much pain. The milk came in and I was leaking all over the place and I looked down at them stunned at the size. They were huge. It looked like I got implants. It was so wonderful despite the initial pain. The pain was quickly relieved from my child eating, so it was all good. They do not tell you how it feels when your milk actually comes in. The first time I felt it come in when she was three days old, I was so tired. What does it feel like? It feels like literal liquid running through your veins. At least that’s how it felt for me. I stopped and just was in awe at what my body was doing for my child and I. I still feel it come in, but not nearly as strong as it was when it initially came in. I will be doing a future post with my experience regarding breastfeeding Nevaeh.

On the first of the year I posted this on Instagram/Facebook, “On December 16, 2020 I wrote this: “I feel wonderful!! Today Nevaeh is 2 and a half weeks old and I feel confident with my body and how it looks now because it housed a sweet perfect little babe for nine months. I have a little pouch still from the baby bump, my skin is wrinkly and discolored. I also have a few stretch marks now, but I think they are beautiful and my body is beautiful. I’m also able to fit into my pre pregnancy jeans and button them! Wahooo” Nobody tells you how you will feel about your body after the baby comes out. I’m specifically talking about your tummy. My tummy felt like jello for a few weeks after having the baby. It was weird looking down and seeing something so different than what used to be. I was uncomfortable looking in the mirror at my body for weeks. I did not work out, go on any special diet, use tummy bands, or do anything fancy. I just let my body heal and shrink back down on its own. I also do not plan on working out or going on a special diet to tighten my body. I plan on loving it just the way it is right now. Today I’m back to my pre pregnancy weight and I’m finally fully accepting my body for what it is stretch marks and all. I spent a few minutes reflecting on those times that I looked in the mirror and felt uncomfortable at the reflection because of how my body looked, and realized something. Why should I feel uncomfortable?? My body did something amazing and I should love it regardless. I know that now. I don’t need to have the perfect body to fit societies mold of what that’s supposed to look like. I’m learning to love my imperfections and to not feel like I have to look a certain way to feel confident in myself. If you struggle with body positivity, just know I’m here for you. Our bodies are made to do wonderful things in this life and I want to encourage you to love yours this year. Happy New Year!”

Mind

On December 20th, 2020 I posted this on Instagram/Facebook, “This is a long post of vulnerability and truth to how I really feel right now as a new mother. If you know a new mom, ask her how SHE is doing. We are not all okay. Today I am stressed, overwhelmed, and completely exhausted… Today I just stared at my child while she screamed bloody murder and just cried. I felt hopeless for a few minutes because nothing I did would calm her down and questioned my ability as a mother only for a moment. It really sucked. Yesterday was the first day my house was a complete mess. I left the house in a rush to get to a family Christmas. Clothes, dishes, and miscellaneous things were everywhere. A couple loads of laundry to be completed and dishes to be cleaned and put away. My floors weren’t washed or vacuumed and it really bothered me. If you know me, you know that I am very particular when it comes to my house, organization, and cleanliness. Yes, I understand I have a newborn and I may need to lower my standards and be okay with the fact that my house most certainly will not always be perfectly put together and clean, or maybe I don’t… The past few nights I have been up nearly every hour to this crying baby. Needless to say, I felt like a complete zombie all day. Whoever said “sleep when your child sleeps” must not have never had children. There is just too much to do in the day and no time for naps especially when your child is cluster eating. She is eating every 30 minutes, and that has been physically demanding since she is breastfed. I am absolutely loving being a mom, but this last week has been the hardest for many reasons. This new phase of motherhood is hard both emotionally and physically. What’s really hard is trying to set boundaries for people without feeling like I’m depriving people from her. I’m on maternity leave and really this time is for my husband, my baby, and myself to be a family and spend as much time with each other as possible. Really bond and relax with just the 3 of us. She will never be this little again and I cannot believe at the end of this week she will be one month old already. I don’t even feel like I’ve had a second to breathe because everyone wants to meet you and hold you constantly. I never thought I’d be so annoyed and sad by people just wanting to love you, and miss you the second you’re not in my arms. I think people forget about the mom and her feelings and it’s not like they do it on purpose, but it is selfishness. It’s actually a really horrible feeling. The feeling of obligation to have people constantly be around her and hold her. I believe this has ruined her because now I can never set her down without having her cry. I’m very grateful for everyone to love her so well, but honestly I am drained and desperately need a few days to myself with just my family so I will do just that. Deep down I knew this was going to happen, but didn’t know how crappy I would feel about it all. I hope and pray these feelings will pass. This is how I really feel and I need to get it out because it ain’t all sunshine and smiles over here and I’m going crazy in my head. My hormones are whack. If you read this post all the way to the end say a prayer for me because I’m really trying here.”

I never thought I’d be sitting on the couch staring at my child crying because of how sad I was. Sad that so many people wanted to love her. Sad that I was so overwhelmed from people. Sad that I could no longer just leave my house without worrying about my baby. Sad that I could not wash my face, shower, and just do my night and morning routines without listening to your sweet cry. I was sad for a lot of reasons. I also cannot believe all of the thoughts that flooded my mind. Every time I went down the stairs I was thinking about not dropping you. Every time someone held you and I did not like the way you were being held, I said something or just cringed inside. Every time I set you on the heated blanket for a little bit I had a little fear of you overheating. Every time I set you down to go to sleep in the bassinet the first few weeks I checked your temperature frequently to make sure you were warm enough. Every time we went in the car I always got out at the drive-thru to make sure you were okay.

If a mama ever shares how she truly feels after she has her baby regardless if you are offended by her words or not, NEVER put her down. Even if she puts it on social media. It does not matter. Vulnerability is such a beautiful strength that most people do not know how to use, which I think is so sad. There is strength in speaking your mind. There is strength in being honest with yourself. There is strength in saying you are not okay. We as women and mama’s are entitled to speak our minds especially after going through something as life changing as giving birth. I also think this is true about any person, but for this blog specifically I will say women and mama’s… If you disagree with a mama’s view of what she is feeling or requesting, especially a first time mama, keep your opinions to yourself and do what she says and do things the way she wants them done. I will NEVER invalidate someone’s feelings or the way a first time mama is doing something simply because I disagree with them or think they are wrong. This is wrong on so many levels. I was so relieved after expressing how I was truly feeling and I was so grateful for all of the kind words and gifts I received. I really needed them. I was not in a good head space and did not know how to cope. NEVER tell a mama they are just being “emotional” because our hormones are whack and we are meeting a completely different person, ourselves. Like I said in my Instagram/Facebook post as exciting as the new baby is, I really do think people forget about the mom and her feelings. They also forget that she is wanting to enjoy many “firsts” with just her and her baby. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that either. Going through this myself I know exactly how to help my pregnant friends through their postpartum. I have another blog post in the works about “How to actually help a new Mama.” It is coming soon and I’m really excited about it!

THINGS THAT HELPED ME THE MOST

Understanding that your body needs time to heal is major. When I would feel lots of bleeding and pain from my vagina I would simply sit down and take a break. Even though I was in pain sometimes I did not sit down when I should have from the sheer excitement from moving into my new home. I do not recommend having a baby and then moving into a new home the day after you’re home. LOL. That was something else! Talking to my husband about what I needed. I was asking him to do quite a few things when the baby arrived. I am talking things like unloading the dishwasher, actually putting his clothes in the laundry basket, bringing the remote closer to me when I just sat down with Nevaeh to feed her, holding the baby so I could take a longer shower or bath. Easy things!

THINGS THAT YOU SIMPLY MUST HAVE

• Support person – This person should be someone who listens to you and doesn’t make you feel stupid/crazy.
• Tylenol Extra Strength – Tylenol Extra Strength was my pain relieving medicine since I am allergic to IbuProfen. I took it every six hours.
• Heating Wraps/Pads – For all those aches and pains your body will feel.
• Postpartum Underwear – Disposable or Washable underwear – these will be the brief short type (the hospital may provide you with some)
• Seamless Underwear – These are great for when you are comfortable to change from the sexy brief disposable and washable underwear.
• Frida Mom Peri Bottle – Ensure that you are cleaning your lady parts and preventing potential infections.
• Tucks Hemorrhoidal Pads – Relief for your lady parts, I used 3 at a time for optimal relief.
• Always Pads – You will bleed and you need something to absorb all of the blood.

Tips and Advice

• Make yourself a priority and take care of yourself – A happy mama = a happy baby. Light a candle and do a face mask every once and awhile.
• Do something that makes you happy or feel like yourself daily – This might be doing your hair or make up, dressing up, or doing something creative.
• Solicit your husband or significant other for help – You will need him to hold the baby so you can get things done around the house or do something for yourself.
• Saying no is okay – Nobody is entitled to your baby and you do not have to overwhelm yourself at the expense of your sanity for other people.
• It is okay to not feel okay – You will not feel normal and that is okay. Talk to someone about how you feel. You do not have to feel alone or lonely either.
• You will get through this – You may have severe feelings of sadness, loneliness, or even get diagnosed with Postpartum Depression, but you will get through it!

I am not going to tell you to stay calm because everyone reacts differently to all of the changes that happen. You do you girl! What I will tell you is that you are fricken amazing and you can do anything. I want to encourage you to take at least one day (if you have a busy schedule) shortly after giving birth, sometime in the first 6 weeks and reflect on everything your body has done since your bambino arrived. You should be so incredibly proud of what you have done. Some days I would watch our birth video and videos we recorded in the hospital of Nevaeh and just say, “Wow.” Nobody is entitled to your baby except for you and the father of your baby and you don’t have to feel guilty about knowing and accepting your right as the mama to say, “No, we are taking a family day to ourselves.” The first few weeks are so important to create the bond between you and your baby. Most people do not let people see their baby until 2 months old when their immune systems have adequate function… We basically had everyone under the sun visiting and holding our baby. At times it was very hard having visitors. I was dealing with separation anxiety whenever Nevaeh was not with me. It is something only new mama’s can relate to. If there is a next time, I will do things very differently knowing what I know now. If I am simply not up to it emotionally or physically, I will say no without any hesitation or feelings of guilt to having visitors. After all, I am the one that birthed the baby so what mama says goes and your opinion of that is irrelevant. If people can’t understand that, tough. Learn how to be your own self advocate for your true desires. The last tip that I have is get your husband or significant other to help you. Let them speak to people about your boundaries, make you food, get things that are out of reach when you are nursing, and be a listening ear for you to talk to. Unfortunately, you have to remember that they are men and men sometimes just don’t get it.

Women are amazing and I did not truly realize how amazing we were until I became a mama. I do not know how to put my amazement into words at what an experience bringing a new life into the world truly is and how much it has changed my perspective on the existence of women in general. There is just something about becoming a mama. The first few weeks you will be in pain both emotionally and physically. The pain will be a different type of pain. A pain that you know will eventually pass. All you will care about will be your healthy little babe. It is worth it all when you hold your baby. It is so special and surreal.

SOME PHOTOS FROM THE FIRST 2 WEEKS